It’s not very often someone reaches out to me and asks me to share their story. When an email hits my inbox, asking me to share some information, it’s normally a PR or SEO outreach company thinking that they can sneak a link to a website under my nose. This is not one of those times. This post was sent to me by a survivor of sexual assault who has asked to remain anonymous after the legal system failed them. This is their story.
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Anonymous
“I’ve wanted to write this for so long and now I’ve come to do it I don’t know where to start. I guess the beginning is as good a place as any.
My reason for writing this isn’t for sympathy or to talk about what happened to me. It’s to raise awareness of a loophole in the law that is still protecting paedophiles today, so I’ll keep what happened brief. My story began in 2002 and I was 14. He was 32. We were in a band together but I didn’t know who he was to start with. He started texting out of the blue. Friendly chit chat at first, then flirty, he started to top up my phone for me so I could talk to him more. We soon started chatting in person, he’d give me lifts home and hold my hand or stroke my back when he knew no one was looking. He got inside my head, and when I turned 15 and he was 33, inside my knickers. I was completely under his spell. We were in a ‘relationship’ for several years before I finally realised how emotionally abusive he was. A year after I left him he invited me round to his house, I was in a low place so I went and had a few drinks with him then stayed over. That was the night I woke up to him having sex with me while I was sleeping. I said stop. He didn’t. For a long time I pushed it to the back of my mind, trying to convince myself it was a misunderstanding. I can now see it for what it was. He raped me.
I never saw him again after that night although I still have nightmares about it. I moved on, graduated, fell in love, got married and had some babies. The more time passed though the more I couldn’t bare that I was keeping quiet about what he did. What if he did it to someone else? Wouldn’t I want someone to speak up if it meant protecting other girls like my daughter? I plucked up my courage and called him. I recorded him admit to grooming me and having sex with me when I was 15 then, I took the recording to the police. I did a video interview where I had to tell them everything in painful detail and was reassured that I had a strong case. They did tell me that the rape allegation was unlikely to go anywhere as there was no evidence but that the sex with a minor allegation carried a lot of evidence with it and there was a good chance of a conviction.
The case dragged on for months. My mental health spiralled and I struggled, I mean really struggled to the point I needed anti-anxiety medication and and anti-depressants just to get through the day without wanting to hide away and kill myself. Speaking out about it made the past and the present blurry, I’d get lost in the past and struggled to focus on things in my present. I felt like Alice falling down the rabbit hole, never knowing when or how it would end.
After 7 long months I was told the police had decided that there would be no further action on my case. They weren’t even going to present it to CPS. I felt hurt, angry and confused. He’d admitted it on tape, how could they not have enough to take it further?! Doctors and school records supported my statement, as did witnesses. I’d put myself through all of this for nothing. I was told the reason that it couldn’t be taken any further was because pre the 2003 Sexual Offenses act (Which came in mere months after I turned 16), there was a time limit imposed on 14 and 15 year olds, that says they have a 1 year time limit to report the offence of sex with a minor or charges can’t be brought.
I felt numb. I still do. How was that loophole even allowed to exist and how is it still protecting paedophiles who committed historic sex offences today?
In the time of #metoo people are being encouraged to step forwards and hold their abusers accountable for their actions, yet no one seems aware of the law that silences a huge group of victims. I know the law can’t be applied retrospectively however I can’t understand why they still insist on imposing the time limit, especially in cases where it is so clear that a crime was committed. I hope by sharing my story I can raise awareness of this abhorrent law and help other victims of historic abuse go into reporting it with the full facts and their eyes open.
I guess you’re wondering if I regret reporting him. The answer is no. I’m glad I did it. I wish I’d known the facts from the start and been able to mentally prepare for the outcome, however I am proud that I am no longer letting him silence me. I’m proud that I shared my truth. I’m proud that my truth may help one of his other victims (if there are any) one day to get the justice that they deserve. Me? I’ll never get the justice that I need and I’m working on finding my peace with that. But for now, I know I’ve done all I can to stop others being abused by him again and I’m starting to realise. I’m no longer his victim. I’m a survivor.”
This post was sent to me by a person who wishes to remain anonymous after being failed by the legal system and I have not changed any of the text. If you have been affected by anything in this post and would like to speak to someone about sexual assault, I have provided a list of places that you can contact. If you have a moment, please take the time to sign a petition on Change.org to remove this loophole from the law.
Rape and sexual abuse helplines
For women
NHS Choices – Help after a rape and sexual assault
Help after rape and sexual assault
Sexual violence is a crime, no matter who commits it or where it happens. Don’t be afraid to get help.
Sexual Abuse Referral Centres – Find a SARC
SARCs are specialist medical and forensic services for anyone who has been raped or sexually assaulted. They aim to be one-stop service, providing the following under one roof: medical care and forensic examination following assault/rape and, in some locations, sexual health services. Medical Services are free of charge and provided to women, men, young people and children.
NSPCC
Helpline: 0808 800 5000 (24 hours, every day)
UK’s leading charity specialising in child protection and the prevention of cruelty to children. The free helpline is for anyone, children or adults, concerned about a child at risk of abuse. The NSPCC also runs high profile campaigns for children’s rights, such as Full Stop and administers 180 regional teams and projects, and conducts research into child abuse and its effects.
Rape Crisis
Helpline: 0808 802 9999 (12-2:30 and 7-9:30)
National organisation offering support and counselling for those affected by rape and sexual abuse.
See website for local groups or contact directory enquiries.
Victim Support
Support line: 0808 168 9111
Our services are confidential, free and available to anyone who’s been raped or sexually assaulted, now or in the past. We can help, regardless of whether you have told the police or anyone else about the attack. Our volunteers can visit you at home (if you want us to, and if doing so will not put you at further risk) or somewhere else if you prefer. If you don’t want to see anyone face-to-face, you can also talk to us on the phone, either at one of our local offices or at the national Victim Supportline.
RASAC (Rape and Sexual Abuse Support Centre)
National Helpline: 0808 802 9999 (12-2.30 & 7-9.30)
National helpline for survivors of rape and childhood sexual abuse, their families and friends. Provides emotional and practical support.
Women Against Rape
This is the joint website of Women Against Rape and Black Women’s Rape Action Project. Both organisations are based on self-help and provide support, legal information and advocacy. We campaign for justice and protection for all women and girls, including asylum seekers, who have suffered sexual, domestic and/or racist violence.
The Survivors Trust
Helpline: 0808 801 0818
Rape and sexual abuse can happen to anyone regardless of their age, gender, race, religion, culture or social status. Living with the consequences of rape and sexual abuse can be devastating. We believe that all survivors are entitled to receive the best possible response to their needs whether or not they choose to report.
Women’s Aid Federation
National Domestic Violence Helpline (24hrs): 0808 2000 247
Women’s Aid is the national domestic violence charity that helps up to 250,000 women and children every year. We work to end violence against women and children, and support over 500 domestic and sexual violence services across the country.
For Men
Survivors UK – Male Rape and Sexual Abuse Support
If you have been subjected to male rape or sexual abuse, one of your biggest challenges will be taking the decision to talk to someone. At Survivors UK we know this can seem an enormous and daunting step. Anxiety and fear are among the most common emotions experienced by the abused. But these feelings do become easier and people can, and do, successfully go on to explore their past and its links with today in making sense of recurring problems. We offer emotional support by our Chat Service and SMS and we’ll do our best to point you in the right direction.
Rape Crisis
Helpline: 0808 802 9999 (12-2.30 & 7-9.30)
National Organisation offering support and counselling for those affected by rape and sexual abuse. Many Rape Crisis Centres provide support services for men and boys who have experienced sexual violence, as a child and/or as an adult. Rape Crisis Centres that do not provide services for men or boys will be able to give you information about relevant support organisations. See website for local groups or contact directory enquiries.
Victim Support
Support line: 0808 168 9111
Rape or sexual assault: information for men
Our services are confidential, free and available to anyone who’s been raped or sexually assaulted, now or in the past. We can help, regardless of whether you have told the police or anyone else about the attack. Our volunteers can visit you at home (if you want us to, and if doing so will not put you at further risk) or somewhere else if you prefer. If you don’t want to see anyone face-to-face, you can also talk to us on the ‘phone, either at one of our local offices or at the national Victim Supportline.
Rape, Sexual Abuse & Personal Safety Abroad
NHS Choices – What should I do immediately after a sexual assault or rape?
What should I do immediately after a sexual assault or rape?
After a rape or sexual assault you may be affected emotionally and physically. Only you can decide what you feel up to doing in the following hours, days or weeks. But there are certain pieces of advice we can offer you, so that you have the knowledge you need to make the right decisions for you, and get the support you need.
Foreign & Commonwealth Office
Rape and sexual assault abroad leaflet
Rape and sexual assault can happen to women and men of all ages and backgrounds. While most visits abroad are trouble-free, we are becoming more aware of people being sexually assaulted whilst they are overseas. Sexual assault is a very traumatic experience whenever and wherever it happens, but the trauma can be made even more difficult to deal with when it happens abroad. We will be as helpful as we can to anyone who tells us they have had sex against their wishes or been attacked by someone wanting sex.
Rape Crisis Network Europe
RCNE is the network of European rape crisis centres. We aim to make sure that anyone who experiences sexual violence can get the help they need. We are active in influencing policy, standards and legislation through European governments and non-governmental organisations (NGOs). All member centres share a ‘survivor-centred’ and anti-discriminatory approach.
Foreign & Commonwealth Office – Rape & Sexual Assault Abroad – A Guide
Foreign and Commonwealth Office – rape and sexual assault abroad
Advice on what you should do if you are sexually assaulted whilst abroad, including how the local Embassy can help.
Personal Safety Advice
http://www.personalsafetyadvice.co.uk/personal-safety- abroad.html
When traveling abroad, most people are keen to relax and unwind. Travelers, tourists, and foreign businessmen and women can be prime targets for criminals, however. In order to minimise stress on your holiday or trip, take time to plan your personal safety strategy in advance. From keeping your valuables safe to avoiding violence, a little forethought may save you from becoming a victim of crime.