BDSM is one of those terms that gets thrown about, usually with some blushing and giggles after a few drinks. But what is BDSM? I have wrecked my internet search history so you don’t have to and have found some very interesting information about this secret side of the bedroom.
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50 Shades of Grey got it all wrong
Remember when 50 Shades was the book to read? Women’s book clubs were scrambling to read and review it, copies flew off the shelf in bookshops. But, my absolute favourite thing, was the number of men who complained about their wives getting into some kinky stuff after reading it and they were expected to perform sexually in kinky ways, using skills they never possessed in the first place. Despite the loathing for 50 Shades, there is now a lot of interest in this side of sex. There are even dating sites like subdomamerica.com to help people meet others with similar interests. Many couples are now looking for ways to spice up their sex life with the introduction of various toys. For example, items like a cock sling are now more popular than ever before when it comes to sex. The issue is that BDSM is constantly being misrepresented in films and books. In fact, the community was represented so badly in 50 Shades, you should never bring it up if you ever go to a BDSM meet-up.
The big issue about 50 Shades is the lack of consent. A lot of people, including members of the BDSM community were horrified by the content of the book, which was labelled as glorified rape. I’m going to hold my hands up here and admit that I didn’t read the books for a variety of reasons. First up, I got a sample on Kindle and read the first bit, and was completely underwhelmed. The writing was lazy, the sex scenes were disgusting, and when people started speaking out about how it was “wrong”, I decided I would have nothing else to do with it.
It’s all about consent
Shockingly, BDSM is not about walking in the door after work and punching your spouse in order to get your jollies on. That’s abuse and you should look at getting out of there – remember, you’re more than free to contact a Domestic Violence Attorney at any time. BDSM is a term used to describe certain aspects of sex that can be split into these major groups: bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism and masochism. The important thing about taking part in this type of sub dom sex play is that consent has been given before anyone has taken part. SSC (Safe, Sane and Consensual) or RACK (Risk-aware Consensual Kink) are two terms that are very important. Overall, it is about trust.
You may have heard of a “safe word”, which is a word that is chosen together to make sure that whatever is happening comes to a complete stop. There is also the “traffic light” system. Red: means stop. Saying this will mean you want your partner to stop everything they’re doing immediately. It should be used when you’re not comfortable, things are getting too much, or you no longer consent. Yellow (or amber): means slow down. Maybe you liked what they were doing but then it became a little too much. Yellow is basically saying “reel it in a little bit”. It can also mean you’re reaching your limit, or are edging on physical discomfort. Green: means go for it. Use green if you like what your partner’s doing, you feel totally comfortable, and you want them to continue. If you feel like things are getting out of hand, or that your partner is taking advantage of your submissiveness, you should tell them.
What are the different types of BDSM?
This is where things get a bit more complicated because there are different categories to BDSM. BDSM can be broken into three subcategories: Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/Submission, and Sadism/Masochism. Sure, tying your lover up, making them your sex slave, spanking them, or putting a dog chain around their neck and making them crawl around on all fours are just a few examples of various BDSM themed acts. It doesn’t have to be whips and chains all the time, or ever if you aren’t into it. For most people, when they start indulging in BDSM, they can start with something as simple as sensory deprivation, however, it can be a bit overwhelming. For those curious about exploring power play through specific acts like pegging, browsing real-world content such as pegging onlyfans can offer insight into how different people experience these dynamics in a consensual and empowering way.
You’ve probably heard about dominants and submissives, the dominant enjoys being in charge, while the submissive enjoys receiving orders. BDSMers also use the terms “tops” and “bottoms” to describe themselves. A top could refer to a dominant or a sadist, someone who enjoys inflicting pain, while a bottom could refer to a submissive or a masochist, someone who enjoys receiving pain. One of the most important things to remember is that BDSM is not just about sex. It is an incredibly emotional experience that requires a lot of communication. After a BDSM experience, you wouldn’t say that you “hooked up with someone”, instead, these are called scenes
It’s a learning experience
If there is one thing that I have discovered during my research, it’s that there is so much to learn. Being part of the BDSM community is a learning experience because there is so much to learn! For example, the use of whips. Yep, you need to learn how to use a whip properly so that you don’t injure anyone. The last thing anyone needs is an amateur cracking the whip, thinking they are Indiana Jones, and someone losing an eye. Also, there are loads of different types of whips, and each requires a certain level of skill to be used safely.
No matter what source I checked for this post, they all said the same thing, check as many resources as you can before you begin. And never rely on one person as a source of information. Be sure to check out different books, workshops, meet-ups, mentors, friends, and message boards so that you have plenty of information. Classes, conferences, and meet-ups are also helpful for learning specific techniques (such as whips). The main reason for this is so you know how to maximize ecstasy and minimize risk.