How not to lose weight

Everyone at some point has thought about losing weight but for me it’s never about losing weight. It’s about being healthy. So when me and the rest of my brood were struck down with a stomach bug, I was pretty annoyed about being ill.

The bug had been doing the rounds with my friends recently and I could only hope that I would be saved from it by the stupid amounts of multi-vitamins and cleaning that I force upon my family. Alas! We were not to be passed over and one by one, we were struck down with what felt like the plague.

On Thursday, the day I was finally getting my new sofas, my toddler was a grumpy little so-and-so. Nothing unusual then. After the new sofas were in and we spread ourselves across them feeling the kings of everything, the toddler fell asleep on the two-seater. At the time we thought it was due to the comfort levels compared to the old spine breakers, but we were wrong! Oh, let me count the ways in which we were wrong! After a 3 hour nap, which ended when the cat jumped on him, he had a whine and a cry into his arms, then he burped and threw up…..on to the sofa. It hadn’t even been in the house seven hours and my son had christened it with vomit. My bare ass cheeks hadn’t even made an imprint yet. And that was the start of it. He did seem better later that night so the next morning I sent him to nursery, foolishly thinking that it was over, only to be told he had farted and shit himself by the staff when I returned three hours later. Lovely!

So, Friday started with my son crapping his pants in nursery, how could it get much worse? Surely by now I should know not to tempt fate with words like that that. So fate decided to give me dose of my own medicine which might as well have come with a note saying, “Bend over bitch and see how you like it!”

From 4pm on Friday afternoon to around 8pm on Saturday night was a blur. I remember my stomach bloating until I looked like I was 15 months pregnant and I thought I might pop. Then there was the vomiting. Then the diarrhoea. Then more vomit. Then…well you get the idea. It was messy. At some point in this my hubby took ill too and began his own round of throwing up. Never in my life did I wish more that we had more than one bathroom. At one point we considered duelling to the death over the right to use the toilet. In the end he gave up and took a bucket into bed with him. I hope it was to throw up in, but I’m not ruling anything out. Keep in mind, while this was all going on, there was a three-year-old that screamed bloody murder every time he had a stomach cramp and couldn’t tell the difference between a fart and poop. The only one who seemed to be getting away with not being sick was the pre-teen….or so we thought. By Saturday night she had joined the ranks of the living dead after being caught unaware and throwing up in her hands. And her hair. And the carpet.

Sunday finally rolled around and it looked like we may have been over the worst of it. We had all stopped throwing up, I wouldn’t trust a fart but generally we were all feeling better. As concerned as I was that everyone had barely eaten anything but toast for the last few days (mainly because that was all anyone could keep down) I couldn’t help but wonder if I had lost any weight. I decided to stick everyone on the scales to ensure that they hadn’t lost any major weight due to the bug and I was shocked at what I saw. The pre-teen was fine, the toddler was fine, the hubby was fine. They were all the same weight. Me? I had managed to gain 3kg! I’m no expert on weight loss but when you spend over 24 hours not eating and pissing out your ass, you kinda expect to lose a few pounds. What can I say? I’m a glass-half-full kinda gal.

There is a lesson to be learnt here- Weight loss means nothing if you aren’t healthy. Starving your body of what it needs, through sickness or choice, will not make you skinny. I wouldn’t wish what I had on my worst enemy. Eat healthy and look after yourself.

P.S. I know this was very crude but just be thankful I didn’t put pictures up with it…….

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