I’ve been trawling across the wasteland of the internet apocalypse, looking for nuggets of idiocy to shove down your fat, ugly, easily offended throat hole. These are the best things I’ve found all week, ranging from the sublime to the downright bizarre.
That said, lets begin.
George Osborne thinks he’s people
Terrifying child eating lizard king George Osborne is being groomed (oops, best be careful about using the world “grooming” around Tories!) for the premiership in space year 2019. To prepare for this, he did an interview with the Daily Mail (who also totally travelled forward in time and used the headline I was gonna use for this entry.) where he made a desperate attempt to appear human.
He tried to deny accusations that he was setting himself up to succeed David Cameron as the new Dalek Supreme by saying that ‘I never look at him and go, “I should be sitting there’s, he’s occupying my Cabinet seat, he’s stolen my birthright,” sounding more like Doctor Doom than the man who runs our economy (Although Doom would definitely do a far superior job.)
The absolute highlight of the interview though, was when he tried to score points with “da youth” by revealing that his kids don’t have bed-times, had a badass car crash fast and furious style and professed to being a fan of NWA. I don’t think I can add to any of that. It’s all just beautiful.
Apparently School shootings are a conspiracy
As someone who lives in a country where we settle our problems like men, school shottings are a little alien to me. Despite this, I can safely say that i have no trouble accepting that they are real, and not part of some massive NWO/Illuminati/Decepticon. The guys behind Freef radio revoultion on the other hand are actual Americans (I think. They could be Canadian, but who gives a fuck about Canada?) and yet they actually think that. In the 21st century, in the western world.
My favourite thing about these videos are that they totally think that they are in the right. They viciously attack anyone who questions them with schoolyard level insults (kind of appropriate when you think about it,) and yet ruminate over news footage like high minded intellectuals I don’t think there’s a satirist on earth who could come up with this shit, it’s too perfectly stupid. I love conspiracy theorists, truly, warmly, deeply.
The Vigilant Christian Exposes himself
This is more of a person in general than a specific thing, but holy cow. This guy is amazing. As his awesome intro says, The Vigilant Christian Mario is exposing evil and preaching the gospel of Jesus Christ.
How does he do this? by pointing out the satanic illuminati symbolism in the entertainment industry of course! Using the tried and true method of Triangle = Satan, Mario has exposed the dark ones many sinister fingers in all manner of moist, warm pies. This ranges from Star Wars, to Batman, to Miley Cyrus, even Yoga has been corrupted by the NWO Illuminati Sith elite. Thankfully , we have The Vigilant Christians laser-precise insight and detective skills that put the Dark Knight himself to shame (Got thing too, since as TVC found out, Batman is the Antichrist.
Feminists need toilet training
Like so many wonderful things, it all started on 4Chan.
Before emerging into a beautiful, golden butterfly
Some people took it seriously
Some people took it VERY seriously.
All in all, I’d say my favourite part of this whole thing is the Feminists who took the pictures before word got around that it was a 4Chan troll, and had to be told by their fellow Borg that they were being played. That’s right, Feminist’s have forsaken individualism so thoroughly that they literally have to be told by the Hive Mind not to wet themselves.
Lord Josh’s cultists call for genocide of tattooed people.
I saved the best for last. Let me introduce you to Lord Josh. Glock Star, Lexus owner and leader of the cult known as “Lamatology” named after his character in a videogame. This person is literally the human personification of the internet. Now, I’m not having a go at Josh here, in fact I think he’s kind of a genius. But I stumbled across this, and it just needed your attention.
It started innocently enough
Then things got weird
Then things got scary.
Also, here’s one of Josh’s audiovisual masterpieces. Enjoy.