I don’t work for free

I’m not the first person to say, and I know that I won’t be the last. But there appears to be a growing trend in the “workplace”. And I’m using that term loosely because more and more people are being asked to work for free. That’s not employment, that’s slavery.

I woke up this morning and checked my emails. Hidden within the mountains of spam for penis enlargement pills and African Princes wanting to send me money, there was a job offer. Not just any job offer, but a writing job, for a magazine! I was so excited that I was about to reply without reading the email properly. And it’s a good thing I did. Right at the bottom were the words “unpaid due to budget”. You know what I say to that? F**K OFF!

I’m not one for throwing such language about the place but this is getting beyond a joke. Every day I get contacted by someone asking me to work for free or for pennies. Look, I’m not expecting a paycheque of millions for writing fart jokes but if you want me to work with you, at least give me a decent offer. Writing takes time, and I don’t give my time away for free.

When I started out writing I was happy to work for free. Problem with that is working for free. I have national publications who get traffic off my content that I have never seen a penny for. And I know that those buggers had a budget to pay me.

So, let me make this simple. If you contact me about a job, you better have a budget. I expect to be paid a decent wage. I do not accept payments in the form of happy vibes, exposure, or anything else that doesn’t go into my bank account to pay the rent. If I want happy vibes, I’ll get a massage. If I want exposure, I will swing my tits about in public. Got it?

I’m not expecting you to come to me with a Vogue like budget of £5 per word (that’s what they get paid at Vogue, right?) but at least offer something that will keep me from the bread line. You contacted me, I was not begging for work. You asked me to work for you, so you must have seen talent (or whatever) in me. If you saw a person who looks like they will work for free, you are an idiot.

I might not be the best writer in the world but the fact that I can create something from nothing is worth something. My time is not cheap. And if you think that I am being a bit silly complaining about this, I would just like to remind you that there are celebrities who get paid millions just for existing, and people who clean toilets for £10 per hour. I think with that in mind, my time should be worth something to you too.

I made a video of this little rant too. If you want to hear my butcher the English language and mess-up my own lines (that I wrote) you can watch it here.

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