Do you know what the annoying thing about running your own site is? People email you asking if they can share a story. Do you know what, that is fine, I understand that you have a level of crazy that you want to share with the world. What is not ok is hiding behind me when people appear with an angry mob. Your crazy, you deal with it. Even Ryan knows this rule. That said, sometimes other people’s crazy is so good I have to laugh. I was sent this as “anonymous” and nearly peed myself laughing. Someone clearly hates their job! Here is some crazy that didn’t come from me or Ryan (for once) so don’t email us saying it was offensive, we just found it funny.
*Warning! Very colourful language! Do not read if you find cursing offensive!*
Many people have tried their hands at sales in some shape or form, but more specifically some people have been sales reps. To the average person they are merely people that sell you shit you don’t need to make a quick buck but there is a whole other side to it. Welcome mother fuckers to the world of the sales rep! Feel free to tip your Avon lady the next time you see her.
1) The initial payout
There is a good chance that any rep you have dealt with has already paid out a shit load of money for the pleasure of being sales rep. Alot of companies will ask for an initial payment to get commitment from people so they will sell lots to start turning a profit quickly to get their money back. In return they can recieve a pisspants little starter pack to get them going but in reality it’s as useful as a shit on a stick. Most reps find themselves shelling out money for adverts, signage and promos out of their own pockets. And it doesn’t end there. If they need to showcase their products for in-home demos or a stall at a market fair, guess what? That comes out of their pockets too. It can take months for a rep to earn all that money back and start turning a profit. Which leads us to…
2) Part time or full time
Sometimes the commission that can be earned on sales is pretty decent and sometimes it not worth wiping your arse with, it really depends on the company you sign up with. Alot of reps start doing it as a way of earning a little extra cash working part time, or working part time and earning a fortune. It has happened, people can become rich doing this type of shit in their spare time but it takes you to know your market well. Fitness instructors make a crap load selling supplements to gymjunkies but give the same product to a sci-fi geek to sell and they will fuck that shit up like your sister at spring break. Many reps find themselves having to put full time hours in just to make a goldfish penis size profit. Hours are anti-social when they have to host a party, setting up can take a lot to time, and most reps work these long hours alone. Sure maybe their partner gives them a hand sorting stock when it comes in but who the fuck needs a Friday night in the bar drinking til you vomit so hard you think your stomach might come out your mouth? Reps don’t, thats who. So the next time you have a “girls night in” with the Avon lady, just remember, that woman has given up her drinking time to watch you guys get drunk with the expectation of cold hard cash, so cough it up bitches.
3) Nobody reads the terms and conditions
When you submit an order with a rep generally you get to fill in an order form with what you want. What is printed on the form is the god damn terms and conditions which no-one fucking reads! And when faced with dick head customers that don’t read them it becomes a nightmare! Lets say you order a product which is a bit pricey, you may have the option of a one-off payment or spreading it out over a few months. You decide to take the option of spreading it out, this means that you get the product once and have to pay it off over a few months, not you get another one every time a payment is made. Many a rep has had to stop themselves from ramming an order form down a customers throat over things like this, and sometimes they have to hand over some of their money as a “refund” so that the customer doesn’t go bad mouthing them to every other wanker that’s too stupid to read. This is more of the reps money that they won’t get back as the company will take the stance of “they should have read the terms and conditions before ordering”. After the first couple of “refunds” reps tend to memorise these small legal safety nets in order to stop themselves having to begin a career as a pharmaceutical rep (in other words meth dealer) in order to substitute customer stupidity.
4) General self employment stuff
One of the reasons most people don’t go into business themselves is because they don’t have the first fucking idea about all of the paperwork. You have to register as self-employed with the tax office so that they can shaft you directly rather than through an employer. This itself is paperwork, every order means paperwork, every payment means paperwork. The organisation of box files becomes an obsession incase something is needed by some obscure government department that come rapping your door with it’s rubber gloved hand for an anal cavity search on the business finances. And if the bit of paperwork they need can’t be found, forget about them using an lube for that search. If a rep decides to do the sales rep thing as their only way of earning money they have no guarantee of earning anything and no monthly wage. Or if they are a bit chicken shit and do it alongside a normal job, it can fuck up the amount of tax they pay.
5) Lies, lies and more lies
Sales reps lie, fact. They may tell you that their product is the best thing since internet porn but that in itself should ring more alarm bells. If you haven’t yet entered the world of internet pussy surfing, we feel we should warn you now, nearly every free porn website will upload viruses onto your beloved computer so that they can steal your identity and sell it to someone who will enjoy subscripting to “horse and hound fuck buddies monthly magazine” at your expense. Thanks for that. A sales rep will tell you anything to get you to buy whatever they are selling because they need you to. They claim to earn a lot of money because everyone buys it? Bullshit. It’s a sales technique to make you think you are missing out on something so that you will buy. Many a sales rep has been conned into becoming a rep with that very lie, paid out a shit load of money that they need to earn back, and ultimately lie to you to get you to buy because the product is shit and no-one really wants it.
6) It’s exhausting
So a rep has paid out money, worked long and shitty hours, filled in mountains of forms, dealt with dumbfuck customers, and lied to your face. It’s fucking exhausting and there is never a break because they constantly have to keep planning their next move. Being off their game and missing a chance to sell some shit is the difference between champagne and hookers or instant noodles and a handjob. It’s really that simple. Everytime they appear in public they need to be awesome because they are their own marketing service. They cannot run the risk of having one “off” day because if they are spotted looking like a tramps handbag they will lose business and their reputation will go down the shitter. “Oh, did you see Michelle the other day? Looked and smelt like she had a gang bang with a group hobos. Doesn’t she sell MegaSupaShitVitamins and WonderBitchMakeup? Fuck that shit, if thats what she looks like i’d rather be fucked up the ass with a watermelon to look younger! She’s a dawg!”
So the next time someone tries to sell you something, be nice about it and maybe buy something to make them happy, share your wealth. But if they try to sign your ass up to sell it too, do yourself a favour and don’t.